Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
