I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
