If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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