Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize