mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize