What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
