Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
