I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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