Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
