My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
