I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
