we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
