my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
