I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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