There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
