Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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