weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
