We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
