I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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