I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sober January is a disaster.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
