yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
