Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
