I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
