remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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