I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just pynch a tree in the face
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
