You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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