Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
