One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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