she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
jump out the window naked night went bad
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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