When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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