Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
