I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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