I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I wish there were birth control emojis
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
