I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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