The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
they need to just BURY HIM!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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