How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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