those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
