I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
