a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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