In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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