I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize