I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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