Just fell off a train. Bad.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
