Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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