and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
