Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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