I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
