Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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