is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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