woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
