If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
