Someone shit on the floor
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
