A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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