i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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