i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
