How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
